*SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER **
*I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing. *
*Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. *
*I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. *
*I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program. *
*I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. *
*I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. *
*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day. *
*Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to ten of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes and if not, I don't believe in God. *
*Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. *
*I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. *
*I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. *
*I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. *
*And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life. *
*I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. *
*I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. *
*I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise. *
*I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army. *
*I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan . *
*I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe. *
*Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt. *
*And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. **
*I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies! **
*If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... *
*Have a wonderful day.... *
*Oh, by the way...A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. *
*Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.**
emoLaugh Jmax
*I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing. *
*Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. *
*I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. *
*I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program. *
*I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. *
*I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. *
*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day. *
*Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to ten of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes and if not, I don't believe in God. *
*Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. *
*I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. *
*I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. *
*I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. *
*And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life. *
*I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. *
*I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. *
*I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise. *
*I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army. *
*I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan . *
*I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe. *
*Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt. *
*And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. **
*I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies! **
*If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... *
*Have a wonderful day.... *
*Oh, by the way...A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. *
*Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.**
emoLaugh Jmax