Bprice
Well-known member
This is from Clay Travis, and I found them very funny...I think we can all agree... Bammers or Vols, that we hate Urban Meyer.</p>
Kiffin is in Meyer's head. How so? You've got a two-time defending national champion coach with the No. 1 team in the country, the best player in the country at quarterback, and he's wishing his team would get less attention.
And who's frustrating him? A guy with a lifetime head coaching record of 6-17.
Seriously, how ridiculous is this?
Somehow Kiffin has hit at Meyer's vulnerability: He doesn't like to be questioned about anything. We've seen this before. Remember when Shane Matthews questioned Meyer's play-calling and the Florida threatened to banish him from all things Gator? Now Meyer's just beaten Tennessee by 10 points and Papa Smirk Kiffin has got him all flustered again. You get the feeling that Meyer's just one step away from publicly announcing that he will never mention Kiffin's name again.
But that's in the future; until then, Meyer has to win nine more games and fight the expectation battle with his team. Unless, that is, they head off for the deserted island -- Robinson Crusoe meets Lost in football pads. So I've provided Meyer with a handy list of excuses for each team on the Gator schedule. Fail to perform up to expectations? No worries. Just consult this list for the post-game press conference talking points.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sept. 26 at Kentucky
</span>"Tim Tebow is afraid of horses because once in the Philippines he saw a horse fall into the ocean after stumbling on loose dirt. I don't know how you could possibly expect a man to play well when he's got such a strong case of equinophobia and there are horses all around us here. All of you disgust me; we don't make a big deal of it, but equinophobia is real, it impacts him. You jerks wouldn't understand that because you all ride side-saddle anyway."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 10 at LSU </span>
Meyer addressing team's last-second field goal victory. "I want y'all to know what we heard from the CDC before we got here -- that Baton Rouge in general and LSU in particular recently incubated a new virus, herpes that spreads via sneezing. That's why we played underneath the protective canopy on the sideline and why our players wore spacesuits. Everybody knows that it's easier to fumble when you play in a spacesuit. But herpes is for life. And I'll be damned if we're all going back to Gainesville and spreading any more herpes around campus than this team has already spread."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 17 vs. Arkansas </span>
"People in Arkansas are dirty and they spend a lot of time around swine. That's their prerogative. If you have a Florida degree you don't have to spend time around pigs, that's a benefit. If it was up to me that state would not exist. So we didn't tackle very well because I was concerned about the swine flu spreading. And earlier in the week Brandon Spikes came up to me and said, 'Coach, is it OK if we tackle using our helmets instead of our arms?; And I told him, 'Yes, of course. They're dirty.' So the close game is on me. Also, the fifty points they scored. If you want to be really honest, give forty of them to the pigs."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 24 at Mississippi State </span>
"I apologize in advance for the fact that my team didn't arrive on time. In fact, we missed the first quarter and fell behind 14-0. Thankfully, fumbled snaps led State to punt four times. We should have arrived on time, but the pilot just kept flying around in a circle trying to find Starkville. Eventually I telephoned Dan Mullen and he set downtown Starkville on fire so we could find the place. That worked OK, except we initially landed at Billy Ray Mullen's brush-fire. Which I apologize for. The brush fire and the town burning sent off similar amounts of smoke."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 31 vs. Georgia </span>
"First, before any questions, are asked, I'd just like to say, there's no way my team could have been expected to play well today. Not with the slutty Halloween costumes that girls wear. My team was unfocused. Have you ever seen so much bosoms and behind? In my day, there wasn't so much bosoms and behind."
</p>
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 7 vs. Vanderbilt
</span>
"Vanderbilt last beat Florida in 1066. Some of you may remember that's when Guillaume le Conquerant took England for France. You tell me, how you get a team fired up to play when they've won for nine-hundred and forty-three consecutive seasons. Every now and then you're going to have a letdown. It happens." <span style="font-weight: bold">
</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 14 at South Carolina</span>
After a loss to Steve Spurrier and South Carolina: "My guys were really upset with Mike Vick's dogfights. And I think it's just, hold on a minute, I'm choking up, really a dang shame that we countenance the Gamecock mascot. That's not just a bird, man, that's an animal. A real, live, heartbeating animal. Do you breathe? I breathe, it breathes, and we let them breed these birds to fight. I think it's a sad, sorry sign of where our society is that you can even ask me about a game when there are animals out there dying every day. Excuse me." Muffled crying sounds. Shelley Meyer escorts him out of the room.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 21 vs. Florida International</span>
"This one is on me. When the guys saw this game on the schedule, they thought we were going to Cancun for the weekend. I should have picked up on the signs earlier. Jeff Demps bought a pet monkey and Chris Rainey started wearing a coconut bra during practice. Joe Haden said he was saving up money so he could buy off the police if he got arrested. Again, the signs were there, I apologize for missing them. Turns out Florida International is a real place. Who knew?"
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 28 vs. Florida State
</span>"I know we were supposed to win this game by 20 points, but Bobby Bowden is old. I didn't want that on my conscience if he died on the sideline. I just didn't. Every time I look at Bobby Bowden I can only think about two things: national championships and liver spots. And today, by God, I focused on the liver spots. I didn't want him dying out there in the Swamp. I'm not putting that on my conscience. No sir."</p>
Kiffin is in Meyer's head. How so? You've got a two-time defending national champion coach with the No. 1 team in the country, the best player in the country at quarterback, and he's wishing his team would get less attention.
And who's frustrating him? A guy with a lifetime head coaching record of 6-17.
Seriously, how ridiculous is this?
Somehow Kiffin has hit at Meyer's vulnerability: He doesn't like to be questioned about anything. We've seen this before. Remember when Shane Matthews questioned Meyer's play-calling and the Florida threatened to banish him from all things Gator? Now Meyer's just beaten Tennessee by 10 points and Papa Smirk Kiffin has got him all flustered again. You get the feeling that Meyer's just one step away from publicly announcing that he will never mention Kiffin's name again.
But that's in the future; until then, Meyer has to win nine more games and fight the expectation battle with his team. Unless, that is, they head off for the deserted island -- Robinson Crusoe meets Lost in football pads. So I've provided Meyer with a handy list of excuses for each team on the Gator schedule. Fail to perform up to expectations? No worries. Just consult this list for the post-game press conference talking points.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sept. 26 at Kentucky
</span>"Tim Tebow is afraid of horses because once in the Philippines he saw a horse fall into the ocean after stumbling on loose dirt. I don't know how you could possibly expect a man to play well when he's got such a strong case of equinophobia and there are horses all around us here. All of you disgust me; we don't make a big deal of it, but equinophobia is real, it impacts him. You jerks wouldn't understand that because you all ride side-saddle anyway."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 10 at LSU </span>
Meyer addressing team's last-second field goal victory. "I want y'all to know what we heard from the CDC before we got here -- that Baton Rouge in general and LSU in particular recently incubated a new virus, herpes that spreads via sneezing. That's why we played underneath the protective canopy on the sideline and why our players wore spacesuits. Everybody knows that it's easier to fumble when you play in a spacesuit. But herpes is for life. And I'll be damned if we're all going back to Gainesville and spreading any more herpes around campus than this team has already spread."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 17 vs. Arkansas </span>
"People in Arkansas are dirty and they spend a lot of time around swine. That's their prerogative. If you have a Florida degree you don't have to spend time around pigs, that's a benefit. If it was up to me that state would not exist. So we didn't tackle very well because I was concerned about the swine flu spreading. And earlier in the week Brandon Spikes came up to me and said, 'Coach, is it OK if we tackle using our helmets instead of our arms?; And I told him, 'Yes, of course. They're dirty.' So the close game is on me. Also, the fifty points they scored. If you want to be really honest, give forty of them to the pigs."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 24 at Mississippi State </span>
"I apologize in advance for the fact that my team didn't arrive on time. In fact, we missed the first quarter and fell behind 14-0. Thankfully, fumbled snaps led State to punt four times. We should have arrived on time, but the pilot just kept flying around in a circle trying to find Starkville. Eventually I telephoned Dan Mullen and he set downtown Starkville on fire so we could find the place. That worked OK, except we initially landed at Billy Ray Mullen's brush-fire. Which I apologize for. The brush fire and the town burning sent off similar amounts of smoke."
<span style="font-weight: bold">Oct. 31 vs. Georgia </span>
"First, before any questions, are asked, I'd just like to say, there's no way my team could have been expected to play well today. Not with the slutty Halloween costumes that girls wear. My team was unfocused. Have you ever seen so much bosoms and behind? In my day, there wasn't so much bosoms and behind."
</p>
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 7 vs. Vanderbilt
</span>
"Vanderbilt last beat Florida in 1066. Some of you may remember that's when Guillaume le Conquerant took England for France. You tell me, how you get a team fired up to play when they've won for nine-hundred and forty-three consecutive seasons. Every now and then you're going to have a letdown. It happens." <span style="font-weight: bold">
</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 14 at South Carolina</span>
After a loss to Steve Spurrier and South Carolina: "My guys were really upset with Mike Vick's dogfights. And I think it's just, hold on a minute, I'm choking up, really a dang shame that we countenance the Gamecock mascot. That's not just a bird, man, that's an animal. A real, live, heartbeating animal. Do you breathe? I breathe, it breathes, and we let them breed these birds to fight. I think it's a sad, sorry sign of where our society is that you can even ask me about a game when there are animals out there dying every day. Excuse me." Muffled crying sounds. Shelley Meyer escorts him out of the room.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 21 vs. Florida International</span>
"This one is on me. When the guys saw this game on the schedule, they thought we were going to Cancun for the weekend. I should have picked up on the signs earlier. Jeff Demps bought a pet monkey and Chris Rainey started wearing a coconut bra during practice. Joe Haden said he was saving up money so he could buy off the police if he got arrested. Again, the signs were there, I apologize for missing them. Turns out Florida International is a real place. Who knew?"
<span style="font-weight: bold">Nov. 28 vs. Florida State
</span>"I know we were supposed to win this game by 20 points, but Bobby Bowden is old. I didn't want that on my conscience if he died on the sideline. I just didn't. Every time I look at Bobby Bowden I can only think about two things: national championships and liver spots. And today, by God, I focused on the liver spots. I didn't want him dying out there in the Swamp. I'm not putting that on my conscience. No sir."</p>
