Water into wine or whatever

[Rollcast]

This joke was brought to memory by my kidding with jugfishin'.

A lady was coming back from the Holy Land and was going through US Customs. The agent spied a bottle of a clear liquid in her luggage.
"What's this," he asked.
She replied, "It's holy water from the River Jordan."
He removed the cap and sniffed it. "It's gin!"
She looked up to heaven and exclaimed, "He did it again!"

 

[Jmax]

Good one, emoLaugh

I like the one where a guy is fishing on the bank with a cooler. The game warden walks up, opens the cooler and there, alive and in water is three under sized bass. The game warden tells the guy he will have to write him a ticket. The guy proceeds to tell the game warder they are pet fish and he only brought them to the lake to swim around some and excercise. Then once they do they return and he puts them back in the cooler. The game warden tells the guy he does not believe it and the guys says he would prove it. Take the three bass out and drops them into the water. They turn for deep water and haul off. Maybe fifteen minutes pass and the game warden looks at the guy and says...Well? The guys says back..."Well what?". Game warden..."Well where are these so called pet bass?"

The guy......"What bass?"

emoLaugh Jmax

 

[Rollcast]

Jmax, we might have started something! Be prepared for more!

 

[bobglen]

Rollcast - 7/23/2012 6:29 PM Jmax, we might have started something! Be prepared for more!

</p>

</p>

</p>

 

[bwntn]

One Sunday a pastor wanted to skip church and go fishing. He calls his church and tells them he isn't feeling well enough to come in and heads to the lake. In just a few minutes of getting there he lands a monster 14 pound bass. St Peter looks at God and ask, "Why in the world would you reward him. He skipped church and lied to his congregation?" God responds, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

[488.5]

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville , Texas .

One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near this, its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, Texas.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the
U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:

"Thank you for your letter . . .

"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.

"Fortunately, the marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 77, south of Kingsville.

"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

"Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."

Semper Fi

 

[Jmax]

O.K....I am liking this post....here is another one.....

A man and his son went fishing one morning. When they returned to camp there at the lake the mother....a very good looking young woman that God had blessed well said, "Since you guys are back from the lake I am going to take the boat out to tan, away from all the on lookers so I do not feel I am being stared at.

She takes the boat out and no sooner had she got herself all lotioned up and reading a book...up comes a game warden. He looks in the boat and sees the fishing equipment that was left by her son and husband in the boat. "Miss, I need to see your fishing license." She told him she does not fish and that belonged to her husband and son back at their camp site. He told her he was sorry but he would have to write her a ticket. emoEek She became very upset and told him that made no sense what so ever and she was not going to pay any ticket for fishing when she was NOT fishing.

He then told her she had all the necessary equipment to be fishing right there in the boat and he was going to write her a ticket and if she refused to sign it he would run her in. The woman looked at this fairly good looking guy and told him, "O.K., you just do that....and while your at it if you do write me a ticket I am going to charge you with rape."

Shocked the warden stepped back and told her he had not even got into the boat or laid a hand on her. She calmly looked at him and told him..."You may not have touched me but you have all the necessary equipment for rape right there in your boat so I am charging you with rape."

Somewhat dumbfounded he looked at the woman and told her, "You have a nice day." and he left. emoLaugh

Moral of the story, just cause their good looking in a bathing suit does not mean they are stupid. emoBigsmile Jmax

 

[bobglen]

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

 

[bent rod]

bobglen - 7/27/2012 3:50 PM An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

I liked them all, But got choked up on that one.

 

[Liveliner]

<div>I took my brother fishing last week and I just have to tell you what happened. We put in at Marion Co. Park and ran up river to Mullins Cove. My brother is a smoker and I am not.. As soon as I stopped and dropped the TM he had to light up. I saw him digging and making a fuss.. He had his Coffin Nails(Cigarettes) but he had left his lighter all the way back in the truck. He asked if I had anything at all to light his Cigarette. I did in fact have a lighter. \</div><div>I told him to dig in the front storage and he should find one. As he pulled out rain gear and whatever he pulled out My little jeweled oil lamp. He asked “Is this it. And where did you get this thing?” No and I told him I had drug it out of the lake several weeks ago.. I told him to keep digging. He found my one of a kind Big Bic Lighter. What the ?? Where did you get this thing ? I have never seen a lighter like this ever… “ got to have one of these” he said … “Where can I buy one of these?” I said “You can’t”. “Where did you get this one?” I told him to light his cigarette and put it back. He had to use both hands to light the huge lighter. A 4’ flame almost took his eye brows off. </div><div>He would not shut up about my big lighter … Finally I told him he would never believe me and that he would think I was crazy if I told him. Well … I said to him, ”Do you remember the oil lamp you dug out of storage?” “I pulled that thing out of the lake. As I was cleaning and rubbing it a big and grumpy old Genie popped out. It yelled at me and told me he would grant me one wish if I would hurry. So I did and that is how I ended up with that big lighter.” My brother did say that I was crazy… He just would not shut up about this so I told him to dig it out and rub it. He thinking I had lost my friggin mind pulled it out and started to rub the old oil lamp … “Poof!” There it was. That grumpy old genie .. The genie told him he could have only one wish and that he must hurry or loose out. He said I must make this count. ”I Wish for a Million BUCKS”…</div><div> We sit there… Nothing… we waited a couple more minutes.. Then we noticed the sky really start to cloud over. A huge black cloud came from across the mountain. He said, That darn genie can not hear good can he?. I told him he must have insulted the genie and he was going to storm on us… Then Plop. Splash, clunk, plop… Dead DUCKS began falling from the sky like crazy … they hurt like the dickens hitting us. We were scooping them out of the boat as fast as possible to keep afloat….</div><div>After about ten minutes, they stopped falling. The entire upper end of the cove was covered in dead ducks layers thick and floating all around my boat. We just looked at each other in a dumb stare.</div><div>My Brother said .. “ Your genie can not hear very good.. He said “I wanted a Million Bucks, Not DUCKS…” I said “Well now you know how I ended up with a 12” BIC. …</div>

 

[Buoy-Master]

bobglen - 7/27/2012 3:50 PM An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

</p>

Is this kid local? emoLaugh </p>

 

[bobglen]

DIRTY OLD MEN</p>

</p>

</p>

 

[bobglen]

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica">What sea animal canLEARN to play music?</font></p>

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica">.</font></p>

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica">.</font></p>

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica">.</font></p>

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica">.</font></p>

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica">.</font></p>

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica">.</font></p>

<font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Helvetica" /></p><blockquote><font color="#000080" face="Helvetica">The tune-a fish!</font></blockquote>

 

[jigman1]

Thats a good one emoLaugh