What every Wife Needs????

Chattanooga Fishing Forum

Help Support Chattanooga Fishing Forum:

fuzzynemo

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 20, 2007
Messages
205
Location
Ringgold
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary admitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H@#$!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!





And that, friends, is why I got Martha a S&W 38 and had her get a carry permit. Safer.






Practice random acts of kindness
 
Well we all make mistakes like that. At my expense I will have to say I have been that guy in the story. I had bought my exwife a stun gun and was showing it to her. After listening to me for about 5 minutes or so, she asked how it worked. I put batteries in it and pushed the button, and showed her. She set me up!! She asked where on a body should she use it if she had to, and I told her on any exposed skin. So I told her like this, I stuck the thing to my forearm and pushed the button. I still got two fingers that start tingling at times now for no reason and I made that mistake about 12 years ago emoBang . If you aint ever zapped yourself dont!!! Hurts like crazy emoDoh I should have known better emoDoh
 
I went to a feed store with two buddies and one guy picked up a cattle prod and before anybody could stop him he put the business end to his free hand and pushed the button. We had to take some plastic bags to cover the seat with for our trip home so his wet pants didn't soak into the car seat. BTW the entire feed store clientele broke out in rib splitting laughter.
 
That's hilarious. Saw it before, but laughed just as hard this time! emoLaugh

And the Cattle Prods....yep, been there and done that. Buddy got me on the back of the calf one day at a round up. Thought I had been shot. Not cool. At all
 
I was just getting over a back operation a few years a go and went to our farm for a visit and to get out of the house, I was trying to cross an electric fence a long way from the gap and as I held onto a metal post to try to clear my leg over the wire, I got off balance and touched the wire. This will give you a rude awakening that you won't forget for awhile.
 
I'll second that, those electric fences will get you. Once I was watering the cows when I was younger, and said hey lets spray some water on the fence, next thing I knew was that it felt like a cow just ran up and head butted me.
 
I have never been hit with a cattle prod before, though my fiancee has. Her brothers got caught her not looking one day she told me and zapped her. She said she was standing next to her horse when they got her and she thought the horse kicked her at first. I have been hit by the electric fence though. That really sucked, it was worse than the stun gun.
 
Some friends and once found a cattle prod hanging in the neighbors barn, none of us at the time even knew what it was .. or what it did .. my best friend Colby, 6 ft tall and no more than 120 lbs wet, decided to scratch his back with it .. and as he scratched his back flipped it on, about a 1/100 of a second later .. he dropped to his knees, and shook violently .. wailing in pain.. he finnally dislodged it from he shirt.. I like a dumb a** picked it up and I too found my self wailing and screaming sweet mother of GOD!!! Our other two friends where in the floor turning blue from laughter ... Once Colby and I regained composure .. the other two spent the rest of the day hanging in the barn my their feet from a meat hook.. needless to say .. none of us mentioned the incident again to each other.
And the laughing pair never .. laughed at us again
 
Although the story is funny as the dickens, it is fiction. I know Larry personally and after reading in the first time years ago, I asked him about it. He said it never happened, but its been great advertising! emoLaugh
 
Back
Top